How to cope with the death of a loved one?

The death of a loved one is a life-changing event. Grieving a loss is a deeply personal process with no single script or correct timeline. This article describes common stages and possible steps people often go through in their grief. It does not provide instructions but offers supportive guidelines — what to pay attention to, what to expect, and where to find support during this difficult time. This article also does not cover religious aspects of grieving.

Guidelines through time

Grieving a loss is a long journey. It can be roughly divided into two phases, which help to understand what is happening to you.

• The time for action (the first days). This period is usually associated with organizing the farewell. Attention is often focused on practical steps: it is necessary to arrange the documents and prepare everything. Emotions at this time may be muted by shock. The main task here is to resolve urgent matters, and it is extremely important to rely on the help of others.
• The time for feelings (after the farewell). When the main organizational aspects are over, a period of acute grief begins. It is then that the pain of loss is felt in full force, and an empty, unfamiliar silence appears in life. Now the main tasks are to live through this pain and gradually adapt to the changed reality.

This division helps to be kinder to yourself. One should not expect strong feelings from oneself on a day when dozens of issues need to be resolved. And one should not blame oneself for "inaction" when there is no strength to get out of bed after the funeral — at that moment, the hardest work is going on inside.

Now we will look in detail at the key steps on this path.

Step 1: Accept the reality of the loss

The first and most difficult step on this path is acknowledging that the loved one is no longer there. Immediately after the loss, the psyche may activate defense mechanisms to soften the blow. Therefore, the first reactions are often shock, numbness, or a sense of unreality of what is happening.

It is normal if for some time the mind refuses to believe what has happened. Fleeting thoughts that this is a mistake may arise, or automatic actions may occur: dialing their phone number, buying their favorite product at the store, feeling their presence.

It should be understood that such denial is not a weakness but a natural part of the process. It provides time and emotional resources for the gradual realization of the fact of loss. This stage cannot be accelerated by willpower; it needs to be given time.

Step 2: Seek practical help

In a state of shock and grief, it can be extremely difficult to focus on solving organizational issues. At this moment, it is critically important not to remain alone and to allow others to take on some of the practical concerns.

One can and should accept help from family or friends. Often people want to help but don't know how. A specific request — "please stay with me," "help me make a call," "go to the store for groceries" — can be a guide for them and substantial support for you.

Allowing yourself not to handle everything on your own is not a sign of weakness but an act of self-care in unbearable circumstances. The practical help of others will allow you to focus on the inner experience of grief.

In this situation, it is natural to feel confused and not know where to start. To reduce this anxiety, one can refer to the «What to do?» section on our website, which outlines the general logic of necessary actions. This helps to get oriented and slightly relieve the tension of the unknown.

Step 3: Allow yourself to feel

When the first organizational issues are resolved, the time of acute pain comes. This is the most difficult stage, and it cannot be bypassed. It is important not to run away from your feelings but to live through them.

• Do not hold back emotions. Cry if you feel like crying. Be angry if anger comes. Sit quietly in an empty room if you have no strength to move. All these feelings are a normal part of grief. Trying to "hold on" and not show pain will only prolong the suffering.
• Give yourself time. Grief does not pass in a week or a month. Be prepared for the pain to return in waves: today might be a little easier, tomorrow — unbearable again. This is a natural process, not a step back.
• Surround yourself with understanding people. Look for those who are ready to simply be silently present, to hug, or to listen to memories of the deceased. Try to temporarily limit contact with those who say "stop crying" or "you need to distract yourself." You need support now, not distraction.

Sometimes complex, contradictory feelings may come, such as relief or irritation. Allow them to be as well — they are also part of the truth of your experience and do not negate love.

Step 4: Gradually return to daily life

Over time, the sharpness of the pain may dull slightly. Strength appears to notice that life around continues. Returning to it should be done very slowly and carefully, in small steps.

• Start with the simplest things. There is no need to immediately try to return to the full pace of life. It is enough to get up at the usual time, prepare a simple breakfast, or go for a short walk. These small actions help to feel the ground under your feet.
• Adapt to the new domestic reality. Often, after the departure of a loved one, gaps remain in daily life — the things they used to do. One can gradually learn to do them oneself, redistribute responsibilities within the family, or sometimes ask for help. This is not a betrayal of memory but care for oneself and one's home.
• Allow yourself simple joys. At first, it may seem strange or even wrong — to watch a favorite series, listen to music, meet with friends. But these moments do not cancel your love and longing. They simply remind you that there is still life in you, and it has a right to a share of light.

Step 5: Find a new place for memory

Over time, acute, paralyzing pain can transform into quiet sadness. This does not mean the loved one is forgotten — it means that the memory of them finds a different, less painful place inside. Now it is possible not only to suffer from the loss but also to remember the bright moments with gratitude.

• Create your own memory rituals. This can be something simple and personal: lighting a candle on their birthday, listening to music they loved, repotting a flower they liked, or making a donation in their honor. Such actions help preserve the connection, express feelings, and honor their life.
• Allow yourself to live on without guilt. The thought often arises that joy, new plans, or acquaintances are a betrayal of the deceased's memory. It is important to remember that continuing to live is not forgetting. The person who loved you would likely wish you peace and happiness.
• Learn to carry this loss within you. Over time, sadness becomes not a sharp shard but part of your story. It can make you more sensitive, profound, and aware of the value of life. You will not remain the same, but you will be able to continue your journey, and there will again be room in your life for love, meaning, and even joy.

Step 6: Recognize when additional support is needed

Experiencing grief is not an illness but a natural process. However, sometimes it can become prolonged or complicated to the point where it becomes too difficult for a person to cope alone. It is important to be able to notice such signs in oneself in order to seek professional help in time.

• Pay attention to duration and intensity. If after many months (for example, six months to a year) the acute pain does not subside, and a feeling of emptiness, despair, or unwillingness to live remains a constant and all-consuming backdrop — this is a serious signal.
• Monitor how grief interferes with living. Warning signs may include a complete inability to return to any daily activities (work, self-care, caring for children), persistent disturbances in sleep and appetite, intrusive frightening memories or dreams, panic attacks, or obsessive thoughts about one's own death.

Remember that seeking a specialist is an act of self-care. Consulting a psychologist or psychotherapist who works with grief is not a sign of weakness or "abnormality." It is a way to get support, tools, and understanding in a safe space to navigate the most difficult part of the journey when your own strength and the help of loved ones are no longer enough.

A few important thoughts

The path through grief cannot be traveled by following instructions. But you can keep in mind several simple and caring guidelines that help you not to lose yourself on this journey.

• You have the right to all your feelings. Shock, anger, apathy, guilt, and later — moments of peace and even smiles. Do not judge yourself for them.
• You need time. Do not rush yourself to "get back to normal." Grief has its own, non-linear rhythm.
• Relying on others is strength. Accept help with tasks and seek out those who are willing to be present without giving advice.
• Self-care is not a privilege but a necessity. Try to drink water, eat simple food, get some fresh air. This is not a betrayal of memory but support for the most valuable thing you have right now — yourself.
• Memory and life can coexist. Gradually, the heart will find room for both the bright sadness for the one who is gone and for new meanings and joys in your own life.

Grief changes a person forever, but it does not have to break them. Step by step, day by day, you can learn to carry this loss and find meaning in living again.